- Devote. Cherish. Appreciate -

Gotten rather weak for the past few days....had headaches and giddy spells.... still tearing every now and then.... Not as happy or as excited for Chinese new year this year... it's just the same old depressed and sadness feelings... had to try to be happy to cover it up.... starting to hate it lots.... 公公 has some trouble remembering and recognizing people... it's heartbreaking to see his memory deteriorate day by day, some day he couldn't recognize me, someday he forgotten... placed my hand phone in front of him, he look at himself for quite some time before commenting "公公 一百岁了不像一百岁...." a few weeks back, I noticed a bump on  公公 forehead and asked what happened, he mentioned that it's nothing, he then went on and told me about money matters, after some time, he stopped "我不要再讲了，讲了等一下你担心，公公老了哦，随时会...  (showed me the dead hand gesture)" I stopped him and changed the subject... went home with a heavy heart... I dread the day he forget all of us... M

Met up with some of my friends this week, I didn't really wanted to go initially cause I wasn't in a good state and I don't want it to affect them... but ya... they noticed something and kept asking me why I'm so quiet... it was really a struggle back then cause I really don't know how to explain it to them... had to constantly divert my eyes away so that they would not notice anything... Went into the logo section of the toys r us shop and started to piece the lego parts together for no reason and came across this innocent toddler, he look at me in the eye for quite some time and pass me all of his legos pieces... I was shocked and used whatever me passed to me and fix it on the logo board, he grabbed more and handled it to me and smiled... I was rather thankful that he did that... and I left the lego section with a teary eyes.... it felt as though he understands me... All the train rides journey to places are some of my hardest struggle now... had to hold back m

Cried terribly last night on my bed......couldn't control the tears...

Things have not been getting any better... had not been getting enough sleep... waking up every two three hours in between sleep... Lay on the sofa, starring into blank space and doze off at times... times where I could not sleep, I start to think about negativity... tear a lot before I could fall back to sleep... sister once told me that I sat up on my bed for a full five minutes before I lay back down, I totally had no idea that I did that... Mum was quite taken aback when she heard that... Almost tear a few times on the train but managed to held it back... Mum have been tearing quite a few times while talking to me... This week is just bad, very bad... :'(

A week into 2017, nothing much changed... Did not have any new year resolution as I don't think I can keep up with anything anymore... Realized that I've been missing out a lot of things... I've kept myself out of social media except for messages and sometimes Facebook or Snapchats for the past months... Felt bad when friends brought out things that was posted on their story that I was not aware of... that's just depressing...  Yesterday was bad... lay down on the sofa and started tearing... I had my bolster with me so I was able to cover up all the mess that was done... I don't know what I'm going through anymore.... I'm really am tired... Can't I just put an end to all of these?