Went to visit my late grandma... it was a tough... holding back all the tears... my sister become talkative during that moment and I knew that something was not right... tears streamed down from her eyes... shortly after I did the same while mummy was praying... It became uncontrollable when my mum told me to tell 婆婆 that I'll be overseas studying for the next semester... I won't be there for 清明 for the upcoming year to visit her... Couldn't sleep well last night... got out of bed with a terrible headache and was extremely tired.... been thinking a lot, crying in bed a lot, trying to get things all sorted out, thinking back if I had made the right choices, reached my breaking point and starting tearing... I was hit by the sadness yet again a few days ago when I was out with my parents on the train. Mum kept asking me some questions and I answered them without looking at her causing I was hurting badly on the inside and tears start to welled up... when I turned to look at
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Woke up early today for breakfast treat by our FYP Mentor. Thought that we are going for a simple breakfast at Toast box or MacDonald but it turned out to be at Straits Cafe located at the Rendezvous Hotel. I was speechless.. Talked a lot and these words came across my mind during the conversation... Devote, Cherish and Treasure Devote more time to what's important Cherish and treasure whatever now, before it's gone.... Easier said than done....I got a little teary during the conversation and manage to overcome it... Brought my mum out in the afternoon to the polyclinic to get her medication, unfortunately for some strange reasons she was not able to purchase it over the counter anymore... She has to make appointment with another nurse first... Flustered, I called daddy and told him about it, he made a trip down from his work and argue with the person in charge... :( Felt so useless back then that I was not able to help... but of course we did purchase the medicine w
Please be fine...
Dad received a call in the middle of the night, "grandpa is bleeding profusely, call for the ambulance!" dad made a trip down and got back at about 2am to get some sleep before he goes for work, waited for the whole day on which ward, but the hospital didn't get back... dad called the hospital, "he can be discharged now" went down to get grandpa back from hospital... "我跌倒撞到鼻子， 脚没有力了" I just hope that everything turns out fine... I can't deal with another round of break down... it's so hard to put on the pretentious face of happiness when I'm all mixed up on the inside...
Things change, people change, emotions change... I've tried and fall back and tired again... it's not easy to go through all these weird things inside me... I want to be better someday but it seems impossible... questioned myself sometimes "why do I even exist? is this how people feel like when they are extremely sad? " One day, it wont hurt anymore...Be strong, Be brave... I'm trying... :'(
Waking up everyday in the morning, open my eyes and the first thing I felt was lonely, rejected and abandoned, it just sucks... Everything seems to be topping down all at once... there's no meaning to what I do anymore... I feel so hurt on the inside... I've been searching for the reason and I really don't know why... Maybe I just wasn't meant to be in this world anymore...
Distraught, Dishearten and Abandoned
I had been through a lot of emotions recently and most of them are very upsetting... To date, I'm still very confused and lost, I don't even have any directions in anything anymore.. I just feel like a lost child, abandoned, neglected... I just wished that all these did not happen and everything goes according to plan like it was before, given the circumstances now, it's hard for me to do that... it's just hurts me and pains me a lot. I do not know what to do to make me feel better. I feel as though I have lost everything... I want a hug, I want to be at the sea now badly.... it just seems to me that everything to me is falling apart and breaking down into pieces... this feeling is just bad...I hate to be alone like this.... I don't know what to do.......
Did I do it right or make it worse?
Sometimes I wonder whether what I've done is right... lots of things happened recently and because of that, my closest friend don't talk to each other. It sucks for me to just sit there and do nothing... I can only provide them with a listening ear...telling them to communicate with each other cause inside me is saying that there are some misunderstanding between A and B... I know it's hard, it takes time that is why I left them like that for a few days until I broke up I brought the two of them face to face and "force" them to communicate, tear up and walk away, it's hurts me to do this cause A does not want to see B, does not wants to communicate with but B wants to sees A and has no idea what is going on... I'm tired seeing them like that, it hurts me on the inside and by a lot and to not be able to help? that just makes thing worst. Bringing them together to communicate, is that even the right decision I make? Does it makes thing awkward? Does it clear
Depressed for no good reasons?
It may not seems like a big deal to you but it is to me... Yes I get it, it's a small percentage but if you were to put yourself into my shoes you know what it feels like. Yes I understand that all of you can get over it but I'm different, I'm not like everyone else, I need time I need courage I need strength to pull through. Just because of this small thing I can't let it go? It's not only this that I'm upset, depressed. It's because I failed as a friend to all of you, if I wasn't in the group all of you will be happy and none of you will have to cope with any of my bullshits or nonsense isn't that great? It hurts me a lot when I lose any of my friends but if leaving the group is the right choice to everyone happiness why not? :'( it even hurts me to write all of these bullshits out, crying and tearing. Do you even think I like doing all these? I know that all of you will be affected and I'm trying to hold back my tears until I wasn't a
Depressed... Angst...
For some reasons, I foresees some fights along the way for my final year projects... Blame it all on me... Too depressed.... Sometimes it's not about doing, it's about understanding...
Back to Blogging again?
Back to blogging? Yay!! I need to pour out some of my feeling here. Been bottling up lots emotions and thoughts to myself for the past year (real long time) and it has reach it's peak... time to let it all out! You may be wondering why do I bottle up my felling and not let it out.. well... here are my reasons for it. Firstly, I don't want anyone to be affected by what I'm thinking or feeling. I want people around me to be happy and healthy. Any comments or thoughts that I make might affect them which I do not want to...Yes, you may think that I'm being selfish for not sharing information with friends who are always there to give a helping hand. But let's think of it this way, if whatever you think is going to hurt the other person badly will you say it? If you don't say it the person would not know, if you say it is gonna turn out bad. What will you do if you're in this situation? Sometimes, I'd rather tell the person, sometimes I prefer not to...