Gotten rather weak for the past few days....had headaches and giddy spells.... still tearing every now and then....
Not as happy or as excited for Chinese new year this year... it's just the same old depressed and sadness feelings... had to try to be happy to cover it up.... starting to hate it lots....
公公 has some trouble remembering and recognizing people... it's heartbreaking to see his memory deteriorate day by day, some day he couldn't recognize me, someday he forgotten... placed my hand phone in front of him, he look at himself for quite some time before commenting "公公 一百岁了不像一百岁...." a few weeks back, I noticed a bump on  公公 forehead and asked what happened, he mentioned that it's nothing, he then went on and told me about money matters, after some time, he stopped "我不要再讲了，讲了等一下你担心，公公老了哦，随时会...  (showed me the dead hand gesture)" I stopped him and changed the subject... went home with a heavy heart... I dread the day he forget all of us...
Mum's been tearing a little more lately when I accompany her for walks...
I'm starting to zone out into blank space even more which allows for more unnecessary thoughts.... sometimes tears start to well up for no reasons.... listening to songs for hours and tear at the same time...
The world will be better off without my presence... it just hurts so much on the inside.... me hurting people including myself... breaking down every now and then... I can't hold on much longer anymore....

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