The grieve that is still in me
It's been a while... lots of things happened... Some things I just don't know how to put it into words... It's hard for me to say or even type it out cause it breaks my heart.... but I've think I've become stronger than before... I've lost my beloved grandpa on the 30 Jan this year... He was a hundred... I don't know who to put the blame on but myself.... to be honest, I have not open my heart out to anyone about this issue and you readers will be the first to hear it... I've lost my grandma a few years back and that made me to cherish my grandparents who are still here with me more. I've spent more time with them, bring them out for some ice cream or short walks to keep them accompany. I do visit them every week on weekends. As for my grandpa, his memory is deteriorating due to his age, at times he can remember me and talk a lot to me but for this year, he became more tired, more quiet... I always make it a point to go up to him and ask him who am I, this is just so that he won't forget me...
I still remembered I gave him a packet of juice and he gladly drinks it, I still remembered the time where he shook my hand when I was leaving, asking me to come back for dinner.... I still remembered the times where he told me that I must work hard so that I can take care of my parents in the future.... I still remembered the times where he would buy fruits to visit us every Tuesday without fail until he's too tired to do so... I do really appreciates all these actions that he has done.... it really breaks my heart to see him leave so suddenly...
Why would I put the blame on me you may ask... this whole ordeal happened on a Saturday where my parents and I were in JB shopping for chinese new year goodies together with my aunt... however, my dad only got to know the news where my grandpa fell from his wheelchair flat onto the floor on Sunday when he visited them and saw him screaming in pain with his eyes shut tight.... My dad then questioned the helper with regard to what happened and she explained that he fall yesterday morning (Saturday) and said that he tried to call us but it couldn't get through... my dad then rush him to the hospital. My grandpa did had a very bad bruised on his forehead and his eyes looks swollen. Doctors attended to him and mentioned that my grandpa was admitted to the hospital with a heart attack... as for his forehead, there were no blood clot or fracture....
Things started to turn bad.... bacteria and virus started to attacked my grandpa skin and the condition was not good.. doctors mentioned that grandpa is very weak and he has to be put on IV drip and antibiotics... Doctors called and said that he was in a critical condition on Monday, we all rushed down to the hospital... I held his hands trying to clam him down, telling him that everything is going to be okay.... to see him screaming in pain when the doctors are examining his skin it just breaks my heart... I said my prayers beside him hoping that he will recover soon and be able to see me and talk to me again...
On Tuesday, 30 Jan, I visited my grandpa... his condition seems to improve, he was able to open his eyes but he was still in great pain... and because of his very bad skin conditions, doctors took out his clothes so that his skin will not stick to it causing him to be in great pain.... I spent the whole day there keeping my grandpa company... doctors told us that because he is weak, they are not giving him any medication other than antibiotics and they also mentioned that grandpa has to pull through his heart attack... they started to insert feeding tube in and perform some x-ray, that's when I heard my grandpa scream very loudly.... he then had difficulty breathing... that's when I start to get a little worried that he might have another heart attack.... we were there accompanying him until 7pm plus when I told my grandpa that we are going back home and that I'll come tomorrow and visit him.... we had dinner and went back home.... doctors called us at about 9:50pm saying that grandpa is in a critical condition... we got changed as quickly as we could but at 9:56pm we received another phone call saying that grandpa had just passed away... it was just silent tears streaming down.... my dad was in a lost... we went to the hospital to his bed, curtains drawn, and I saw my grandpa lying there motionlessly... I can't help it but tear a lot... doctor mentioned that he had a heart attack and wasn't able to pull through... informed my sister, she rushed down from her studies to see grandpa one last time before he was sent to the mortuary... I witness the whole process and stayed with grandpa until he reached the mortuary before he is taken to be embalmed... when the planning and decision was set, it was already 3am... the funeral was held the very next afternoon...
Until now, I still haven't accept the fact that he is gone... yes I'm still in a loss even after 3 months... and I still remember every single details of it, which is why it hurts me so badly.... if we wouldn't have gone to JB on Saturday, things might have been better... which is why I still put the blame on myself.... Have I been crying secretly? yes I have and I still do that... have I been cherishing my time with my grandma more? yes and I try to talk to her as much as possible even when I don't really understand her language.... To see her smile and laugh every time I visit her, it just means so so much to me....
This was what was in my heart that I was not able to say it out to anyone.... this was how depressed I felt then and now.... behind every smile, there's always sadness... behind every smile, there's always tears....
Saw this on the Facebook and it is very relatable to me every day...
I still remembered I gave him a packet of juice and he gladly drinks it, I still remembered the time where he shook my hand when I was leaving, asking me to come back for dinner.... I still remembered the times where he told me that I must work hard so that I can take care of my parents in the future.... I still remembered the times where he would buy fruits to visit us every Tuesday without fail until he's too tired to do so... I do really appreciates all these actions that he has done.... it really breaks my heart to see him leave so suddenly...
Why would I put the blame on me you may ask... this whole ordeal happened on a Saturday where my parents and I were in JB shopping for chinese new year goodies together with my aunt... however, my dad only got to know the news where my grandpa fell from his wheelchair flat onto the floor on Sunday when he visited them and saw him screaming in pain with his eyes shut tight.... My dad then questioned the helper with regard to what happened and she explained that he fall yesterday morning (Saturday) and said that he tried to call us but it couldn't get through... my dad then rush him to the hospital. My grandpa did had a very bad bruised on his forehead and his eyes looks swollen. Doctors attended to him and mentioned that my grandpa was admitted to the hospital with a heart attack... as for his forehead, there were no blood clot or fracture....
Things started to turn bad.... bacteria and virus started to attacked my grandpa skin and the condition was not good.. doctors mentioned that grandpa is very weak and he has to be put on IV drip and antibiotics... Doctors called and said that he was in a critical condition on Monday, we all rushed down to the hospital... I held his hands trying to clam him down, telling him that everything is going to be okay.... to see him screaming in pain when the doctors are examining his skin it just breaks my heart... I said my prayers beside him hoping that he will recover soon and be able to see me and talk to me again...
On Tuesday, 30 Jan, I visited my grandpa... his condition seems to improve, he was able to open his eyes but he was still in great pain... and because of his very bad skin conditions, doctors took out his clothes so that his skin will not stick to it causing him to be in great pain.... I spent the whole day there keeping my grandpa company... doctors told us that because he is weak, they are not giving him any medication other than antibiotics and they also mentioned that grandpa has to pull through his heart attack... they started to insert feeding tube in and perform some x-ray, that's when I heard my grandpa scream very loudly.... he then had difficulty breathing... that's when I start to get a little worried that he might have another heart attack.... we were there accompanying him until 7pm plus when I told my grandpa that we are going back home and that I'll come tomorrow and visit him.... we had dinner and went back home.... doctors called us at about 9:50pm saying that grandpa is in a critical condition... we got changed as quickly as we could but at 9:56pm we received another phone call saying that grandpa had just passed away... it was just silent tears streaming down.... my dad was in a lost... we went to the hospital to his bed, curtains drawn, and I saw my grandpa lying there motionlessly... I can't help it but tear a lot... doctor mentioned that he had a heart attack and wasn't able to pull through... informed my sister, she rushed down from her studies to see grandpa one last time before he was sent to the mortuary... I witness the whole process and stayed with grandpa until he reached the mortuary before he is taken to be embalmed... when the planning and decision was set, it was already 3am... the funeral was held the very next afternoon...
Until now, I still haven't accept the fact that he is gone... yes I'm still in a loss even after 3 months... and I still remember every single details of it, which is why it hurts me so badly.... if we wouldn't have gone to JB on Saturday, things might have been better... which is why I still put the blame on myself.... Have I been crying secretly? yes I have and I still do that... have I been cherishing my time with my grandma more? yes and I try to talk to her as much as possible even when I don't really understand her language.... To see her smile and laugh every time I visit her, it just means so so much to me....
This was what was in my heart that I was not able to say it out to anyone.... this was how depressed I felt then and now.... behind every smile, there's always sadness... behind every smile, there's always tears....
Saw this on the Facebook and it is very relatable to me every day...
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