Went to visit my late grandma... it was a tough... holding back all the tears... my sister become talkative during that moment and I knew that something was not right... tears streamed down from her eyes... shortly after I did the same while mummy was praying... It became uncontrollable when my mum told me to tell 婆婆 that I'll be overseas studying for the next semester... I won't be there for 清明 for the upcoming year to visit her...

Couldn't sleep well last night... got out of bed with a terrible headache and was extremely tired.... been thinking a lot, crying in bed a lot, trying to get things all sorted out, thinking back if I had made the right choices, reached my breaking point and starting tearing... I was hit by the sadness yet again a few days ago when I was out with my parents on the train. Mum kept asking me some questions and I answered them without looking at her causing I was hurting badly on the inside and tears start to welled up... when I turned to look at her and smiled, she sensed something and kept quiet... as we alighted the train, I held on to her hands and walk home...

No one is to be blame for what I've become today or for what happened, the blame is on myself for not letting it out, for keeping it deep down, for accepting the wrongs that others have made, for being the naive one, for following through what others said and not sound out, for being the dumb and stubborn one, for being that annoying idiot that just shuts up, for being mad at myself, for not making better decisions and the list goes on... for so many things in the universe... setbacks after setbacks, it just hurts so much... Letting go is tough... real tough... sleeping though it doesn't help, it's only temporary, suicide came through my mind a few times... thought through about the latter deeply many times, there are times where I felt that that's the right choice go ahead with... it's just so depressing... hoping to be better, finding means to keep myself busy to stop all the thoughts but it doesn't work... it just hits me so hard at times...

Came across this while I was scrolling through Facebook the other day:

"Depression is quiet and anyone can fall for it. Much like a mask, people can hide it with a smile, nobody can detect it but yourself because disguising it is easy, the cheerier you get, the less they will suspect. But you can't hide forever, everyone reaches a breaking point and that's okay, don't be ashamed. There are people out there who understand. There is love and support around you, By talking to other you can get the help and assurance that you need to fight through it together. You are precious, You are loved, You are not alone. Have patience with all things. But most importantly have patience with yourself. See each and every new day as opportunities to grow. We'll always be here, waiting for you..."

Let bygones be bygones... it's tough..... :'(